Category Archives: Relationship Building

Changing the World 140 Characters at a Time

By Dr. Laura Hills, President, Blue Pencil Institute, www.bluepencilinstitute.com

Today marks two years for me on Twitter – my Twitter-versary, if you will. As I contemplate the relationships I’ve formed, the good ideas I’ve gleaned, and the huge amount of personal and professional development material I’ve written for my Twitter followers, I find myself sincerely grateful to the Twitterverse.

I have 5,000 followers. That’s astounding. And these are real, living, breathing people from all over the world. I see my messages favorited and retweeted all the time. People interact with me daily. And since I began my Twitter career, I’ve received loads of positive feedback from followers who tell me that I am making a difference. For instance, take a look at what just a few have had to say:

“Your message is always powerful and convincing. Thank you so much!! I wish I could have audio Twitter to listen to your voice. Your wealth of information and ideas are inspiring too! Our company needs someone like you to empower women.” – Mana, Japan

“Love your tweets. Thanks for the inspiration. They always seem to come at the right time for me, too.” – Michelle, Ohio

“Powerful tips, I must tell you. You’re nurturing the seed of leadership in me. When you write, I’m fed.” – Samuel, Nigeria

“You have helped me a great deal without even knowing it. I am a new supervisor and your words are like little daily gems.” – Flo, New York City

“You have no idea how much your tweets have helped me.” — Roger, Mexico

This is just the tip of the iceberg. In all, more than 100 of my followers have reached out to me in this way – unsolicited – just to tell me how much they appreciate what I’m doing. I’ve treasured each of these comments, so much so that I’ve created a Pinterest board to showcase them: http://pinterest.com/drlaurahills/high-praise-for-my-tweets/

When I began tweeting two years ago, I had selfish reasons. I wanted to promote Blue Pencil Institute. But Twitter has turned into something much more than that for me. Little did I know then that I would find a virtual, global classroom in which I could teach and make a difference in the world every day.

What to Do If You’re Bad with Names

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By Dr. Laura Hills, President, Blue Pencil Institute, www.bluepencilinstitute.com

Do you have trouble remembering people’s names? If so, I hope you don’t tell people that you’re “terrible with names”. No one likes to hear that. And some people will be offended by such a remark, assuming that you’re self-absorbed and don’t care much about others.

I also hope that you don’t tell yourself that remembering people’s names is beyond your control, that it’s your lot in life to be bad at it, or that it’s just the way you are. Unless you’re physically, psychologically, or emotionally unable to remember names, that’s a bunch of hooey.

The best thing you can do if you think you’re bad at remembering names is to get rid of that notion and get better at it. Here’s how:

1. Focus. Pay close attention when you’re introduced to someone new or when you greet him or her for the first time. If you don’t hear the person’s name clearly, say so right away and ask to have it repeated. Repeat it yourself if the pronunciation is difficult and ask the person to let you know if you’re saying it properly, even if it takes several go-rounds.

TIp: Get the name right, no matter what. You can’t remember what you don’t know.

2. Be more observant. Concentrate during the introduction and don’t allow your mind to wander. Observe the person carefully. Get a distinct impression of him or her. Try to discover outstanding physical or other distinguishing characteristics of the person, especially of his or her face. For example, note whether the person is tall, short, overweight, thin, the length and color of his or her hair, the shape of his or her face, complexion, etc.

3. Repeat the person’s name silently to yourself several times. Also say the person’s name out loud at least once when you meet him or her. For example, “It is so nice to meet you, Mr. Gonzalez.

4. Associate. If possible, associate the person’s name with a rhyme, song, or some other mnemonic device. For example, my last name is Hills. It would be easy for you to remember that if you associate my name with Beverly Hills.

5. Write the person’s name within 24 hours of meeting him or her. The end of each day is a great time to do this. Look at the written name and recall the person’s face and distinguishing characteristics.

Tip: When meeting someone at a seminar or other program where name tags are worn, make a conscious effort to say the person’s name and read his or her name tag at the same time. That way, you’ll both visualize and verbalize the name.

Do You Have a Collaborative Work Style? Take Our Quiz

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By Dr. Laura Hills, President, Blue Pencil Institute, www.bluepencilinstitute.com

Answer True (T) or False (F) for each statement below to evaluate whether you have collaborative attitudes, work style, and working preferences.

__ 1. I tend to knuckle under to group pressure easily.

__ 2. I produce my best results when I work on my own.

__ 3. My job would be so much easier if I didn’t have to depend upon others to do it.

__ 4. People will almost always let you down.

__ 5. I don’t care about my job that much; I just want to be told what to do.

__ 6. Too many cooks spoil the broth.

__ 7. I know what’s best and don’t see the value of hearing others’ opinions.

__ 8. I can’t stand some of the people I work with.

__ 9. When someone talks, I compose my answer before he or she finishes speaking.

__ 10. I’m just trying to get by here.

__ 11. It’s a “dog eat dog” world.

__ 12. I believe the best way to respond when you disagree is to bite your tongue.

__ 13. Meetings are a waste of time.

__ 14. No great work of art was ever created by collaborating.

__ 15. I always seem to end up pulling more than my weight on a group project.

__ 16. I run the other way from conflict.

__ 17. I hated being put on group projects in school.

__ 18. When someone challenges my ideas, I clam up.

__ 19. It’s all about me.

__ 20. It I want the job done right, I do it myself.

Count the number of False (F) responses and give yourself five points for each. Then see how likely you are to succeed when collaborating with others.

YOUR SCORE:

95-100: Thriver: You are a collaborative superstar. You generally trust others and embrace the opportunity to work collaboratively with them. You are likely to excel in collaborative environments.

80-90: Team Player: You have many attitudes and preferences that position you well to succeed when working collaboratively. You will probably function well on a team. However, you do have some beliefs that may interfere with your ability to get the most out of collaborative opportunities. Continue to open yourself to new ideas and ways of thinking, especially as they relate to your working with others.

65-75: Doubter: You hold some beliefs and values that suggest that you don’t always see the value in collaborative work. Perhaps you’ve been burned in the past. Or perhaps collaboration doesn’t come naturally or easily to you. Spend some time thinking about what you can gain personally and professionally from the opportunity to work collaboratively with others. Continue to refine your thinking, especially it relates to your working collaboratively.

60 and Below: Loner: You probably find collaborative work difficult. Perhaps you don’t see the value in collaboration, or perhaps you feel that you’re not well suited to collaborative work. Chances are that you more naturally gravitate toward work opportunities that allow you to work and shine independently. That’s OK. However, if you’d like to excel in collaborative work, you will need to change many of your attitudes. Continue to learn more about collaboration, how it can benefit you personally and professionally, and what you need to think and do to be an effective collaborator.

Ask Dr. Hills: How to Deal with Meeting Participants Who Plug In to Plug Out

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Dear Dr. Hills: Meeting facilitation is a large part of my job. I’m always struggling with folks being preoccupied and not being focused on the meeting at hand. They’re often looking at their email and other items on their laptop vs. paying attention to the meeting. I understand that everyone is busy. But sometimes it can be frustrating as I’m trying to get things accomplished during these meetings.

How do I address this? These are folks who absolutely understand meeting etiquette and often times facilitate meetings themselves. My issue is that I have to lead by influence as I have no direct reporting relationship with this people. I’ve tried giving them roles in the meeting when applicable and I’ve tried engaging them and asking them questions. Do you have any other suggestions? – Feeling Frustrated

Dear Feeling Frustrated: You’re describing a common yet difficult problem. We didn’t always have so many electronic escape hatches. But there have always been problems with people not paying attention at meetings and classes. I remember my sociology professor ejecting one of my undergraduate classmates from a large lecture hall back in the 70s because he was reading the newspaper instead of paying attention to the lecture. Today’s electronic devices just amplify things by giving people easier and more ways to disconnect from what’s going on in front of them.

I appreciate that you have no direct reporting relationship with the people who are attending your meetings. That makes it an even tougher challenge for you. I like the strategies you’re using of engaging participants by giving them tasks to do and asking them questions. I encourage you to do as much as you can to make the meetings as productive and engaging as possible.

However, realistically, that may not do the trick. There seems to be a white elephant in your meeting room and I believe that you may need to say so. I’ve found it helpful when things like this happen to be transparent, to call a spade a spade, to say what I’m seeing, and to say how it’s making me feel. Would you feel comfortable addressing the issue squarely with your meeting participants?

If the problem is with one or two people, you can address this with them privately. But if the problem is pervasive, you might tell your meeting participants as a whole what you’ve observed. A good way to broach this is simply to say, “I noticed….” You could stop there and see what they say. Ex: “I noticed today that several of you were engaged in activities on your laptop during our meeting.” Then pause. That’s sometimes all it takes to change the behavior. Often, people will realize that they’ve done something that they shouldn’t be doing. Some may actually apologize.

Or, they may try to defend their behavior. They may say something to the effect that they can’t help it because they’re so busy, or that the meeting isn’t a productive use of their time. If they say that, then that’s something you can then talk about. However, if they say nothing, you can go on to say that their practice of multitasking during your meeting makes you feel that they’re disengaged, uninterested, or otherwise unavailable to take part in the meeting you’ve planned. Don’t use emotionally-charged or judgmental words; don’t say they’re being rude or insensitive or that they should know better. Better: “When I see you engaging in tasks on your laptop during our meeting, I feel _____ because ______.” That’s not accusatory or disrespectful. No one can argue about what you’re entitled to feel.

This direct approach takes some courage. But I predict that if you don’t do something different that the behavior will continue or worsen. Electronic communication has brought us all closer together but has also enabled people to disengage from situations they don’t like. Some people use their electronic devices for escape. Some are afraid that they may miss something. And in some cases, other people may expect them to be on an electronic leash, available all the time. I believe our culture suffers when we can’t focus on deep learning and building trusting relationships. Don’t give up. Keep working on this. I think that with a direct approach that you can change the behavior without whining, begging, bullying, or belittling. – Dr. Laura Hills, Blue Pencil Institute, www.bluepencilinstitute.com

A Bad Handshake Is Like a Bad Kiss: Don’t Be a Wimp or a Bone Crusher

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A great professional handshake says welcome, communicates confidence and friendship, and initiates physical contact. It is an invaluable and essential tool for establishing and fostering business relationships. A wimpy or too-firm handshake, on the other hand, has the opposite effect. It makes others feel uneasy and insecure and sometimes, awkward – sort of like a bad kiss at the end of a first date.

Here are seven steps to help you shake hands like a pro:

1. Be prepared for a handshake by keeping your right hand free when someone is scheduled to enter your office or when you know you’ll be meeting someone.

2. Keep your hand warm and dry. A few squeezes or rubbing before the handshake should help.

3. Don’t wear large rings on your right hand.

4. Always stand to shake hands.

5. Establish eye contact and smile.

6. Extend your right arm and open your hand fully. Take a firm hold of the other person’s hand – the whole hand, not just the fingertips. Establish palm-to-palm contact.

7. Give a couple of good, firm two- to six-inch shakes. Keep smiling and keep the eye contact going. Then release your hand.

Tip: Try to exert the same squeeze pressure as the other person. However, if he or she offers you a limp hand, exert a bit more pressure but not enough to be uncomfortable.

Every career professional should be able to shake hands with ease and confidence. Share these handshake how-to’s with your employees and colleagues. If you feel that you’d benefit from doing some more work on your handshake and from receiving some feedback, set aside time to review these tips and to practice shaking hands at your next staff meeting. — Dr. Laura Hills, Blue Pencil Institute, www.bluepencilinstitute.com

Are You a Broom, Waffler or Butterfly? The 10 Worst Roles to Play on a Team

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There are a number of roles that individuals typically play on teams, many of which are positive. For example, positive team roles may be to encourage, to stimulate outside-of-the-box thinking, to facilitate clear communication, to broker compromise between team members, to keep the team organized and on track, to summarize key decisions or problems, and to keep morale high.

Unfortunately, some team roles can be destructive and selfish, so much so that they cut into the team’s effectiveness. Below are the 10 most destructive, selfish, and negative team roles to avoid:

• Steamroller: Tries to dominate or constantly interrupts teammates.

• Show Off: Thinks he or she knows all the answers. Brags about and exaggerates his or her team contributions and accomplishments.

• Waffler: Can’t make a decision.

• Butterfly: Keeps changing the topic and focus before others are ready.

• Aggressor: Doesn’t show respect to teammates. Comments negatively about them. Dominates to get his or her way.

• Broom: Sweeps unpleasant task or team relationship problems under a rug.

• Critic: Sees the negative side to any argument but doesn’t suggest alternatives. Puts down others’ ideas.

• Victim/Martyr: Looks for sympathy from others.

• Self-Confessor: Uses the team as a forum for sharing inappropriate personal information.

• Clown: Uses humor too much or inappropriately.

For more information on how to be an effective team player, check out our Pinterest board, “Being a Team Player: 50 Tips” at: http://pinterest.com/drlaurahills/being-a-team-player-50-tips/ — Dr. Laura Hills, Blue Pencil Institute, www.bluepencilinstitute.com

What to Do If You’re the Target of Workplace Bullying: 10 Strategies

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An eye roll, a glare, a dismissive snort, a nasty remark, a joke at someone’s expense — these are some the subtle tactics of the workplace bully. Such behaviors may not sound like much by themselves. However, that is precisely why they are so insidious and why workplace bullying is so much more common than many people realize.

If you believe that you are the target of bullying:

Recognize and admit to yourself that you are being bullied and that you don’t deserve to be bullied.

Recognize that you’re not the source of the problem. Bullying is about control. You didn’t cause the bullying.

Keep a detailed diary to chronicle each bullying incident. List the date, time, place, exactly what happened or what was said by whom, and who was present.

Collect evidence. Keep copies of bullying notes, emails, text messages, or other documents. Take photographs of property or equipment that was destroyed or tampered with by the bully.

Keep copies of documents that contradict the bully’s accusations against you (time sheets, reports, etc.).

Don’t remain silent. Doing so allows the bully to continue to intimidate you. If you don’t say something, the bullying may get worse.

Report the bullying behavior to the appropriate person in your workplace, either your supervisor or another designated individual. Present the facts from your diary, documents you’ve collected, and lists of witnesses to the bullying.

Don’t confront the bully by yourself. If the decision is made for you to confront the bully, ask your supervisor or another person to approach the person with you.

Expect the bully to deny your accusations. Let the facts speak for you.

Follow formal procedures if informal efforts are not effective. Make a detailed written complaint to your employer as per your workplace’s grievance policy.

Unfortunately, many targets of bullying feel helpless and don’t realize that it’s possible to take action, or what action to take. Share this information with your colleagues and commit to making your workplace one that’s bully-free. – Dr. Laura Hills, President, Blue Pencil Institute, www.bluepencilinstitute.com

Answer These 12 Questions to Decide If Something is Ethical

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At some point in your professional or personal life, you may face a difficult challenge and wonder whether what you are considering to do or not do is ethical. It can be very difficult to balance multiple points of view and competing demands to come up with an ethical decision. And, in life, we often find ourselves in an ethical gray zone or feel that no one answer is clearly the most ethical.

Below is a set of 12 questions you can work through when you find yourself in difficult situations such as these. Use these questions to help you consider all of the sides of the dilemma and the ethical consequences of what you are considering to do or not do.

1. What are the potential consequences or outcomes of this action or decision?

2. Who will benefit? How and to what extent?

3. Who might suffer? How and to what extent?

4. What is my motivation personally for doing this?

5. What is my motivation for my business or employer for doing this?

6. Is it legal? Or, might there be legal consequences?

7. Would I like to see this on the front page of the newspaper or on the six o’clock television news?

8. Will this increase or decrease my respect for myself?

9. Will this increase or decrease the respect others feel for me?

10. Does his feel right in my body? Does it cause my stomach to tie in knots? Am I losing sleep over it? Do I have clammy hands? Tension headaches? Other physical symptoms that indicate that this doesn’t feel right to me.

11. Does this decision support or damage our business’s culture and values? Would I want this done or said to me? Would I want to be treated this way by another person or by another business?

12. If I told this to the most ethical person I know, what would he or she advise me to do? Would my mentor or hero approve?

For more information about our personal and professional development products, programs, and coaching services, please visit our website at www.bluepencilinstitute.com. — Dr. Laura Hills, President, Blue Pencil Institute

Why I Love Complaints

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While no one wants a client to become angry or upset, it is not an altogether bad thing when a client complains. In fact, I encourage businesses to welcome complaints.

Conventional wisdom suggests that the vast majority people who are unhappy with the services and products they buy don’t complain. A huge number of them simply walk away and no longer want to do business with service providers and vendors who have disappointed them. And perhaps an even greater number will tell others about their bad experience. In fact, it is likely that people who are unhappy with a service or product will tell between 10 and 20 people about their bad experiences. That means that if 10 of your clients are unhappy with something you have done or not done, the chances are that 200 people will hear the story – and perhaps with some embellishments and exaggerations. The damage to your business is potentially huge.

An interesting corollary to this is that the vast majority of people who complain about a service or product and feel that their problem has been satisfactorily addressed remain loyal to the business. Furthermore, the mere voicing of a complaint, even in the absence of a resolution, increases loyalty, too. Therefore, don’t look at client complaints as a negative. Remember that the client who is complaining to you, even angrily, is giving you an opportunity to do something to solve the problem, retain his or her loyalty, and build goodwill for your business. Thank the complaining client for bringing the matter to your attention and for giving you the chance to provide the best service and products possible – and really mean it when you say it. – Dr. Laura Hills, Blue Pencil Institute, www.bluepencilinstitute.com.

Hello, My Name Is Laura

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Have you ever had a job that required you to wear a name tag? I serve as the pianist and music specialist at an assisted living facility on Friday mornings and even though I’m there only a few hours each week, my work requires me to wear a name tag. In fact, everyone on the staff wears the same lightweight plastic name tag, from the president on down, giving us all a common identity and a sense of belonging.

Wearing a name tag is not a daily habit for me, so I sometimes forget that I have mine on when I leave the facility. When this happens, and I stop somewhere to run an errand or get a bite to eat, the same thing inevitably happens. Someone I don’t know in the store, bank, or restaurant starts to talk to me. “Hi Laura,” “How ya’ doin’, Laura” or “Can I help you, Laura?” are typical remarks. Sometimes, someone will ask, “Laura, where do you work?” or “Laura, what do you do?” People are much friendlier to me when I’m wearing my name tag. I’ve noticed that they’re more likely to talk to me, to ask me a question, or to smile at me than when I’m not wearing my name tag.

We are issued name tags at conventions, corporate events, and social functions. Don’t we do that so people will be friendlier to one another? A name tag breaks the ice and helps people connect. It enables us to remember one another and makes the awkwardness of first introductions just a bit easier. Name tags can also provide information that can stimulate conversation. For example, a name tag can tell where you are from, what organization you represent, or your title. I’ve noticed that the employees in a local grocery store wear name tags that have something personal on them and an invitation for customers to ask a question. For example: “Hello, my name is Bob. Ask me about the Dallas Cowboys” or “Hello, my name is Denise. Ask me about running marathons.” The employees have told me that these name tags work like a charm in stimulating interesting and friendly conversation with customers.

My point is this: If there’s an opportunity for you to wear name tags in your workplace, wear them. People would be friendlier to you and more likely to strike up conversations. They’d be kinder to you, too. It would be much harder for someone to cut into a line in the company cafeteria if the person next to him could say, “Hey, Michael, we have a line going here.” Name tags remove the anonymity that many people hide behind to excuse rude or unkind behavior. Name tags would make it a lot easier for your clients to know who you are and in larger organizations, for you to know your colleagues in other departments and divisions. And think, too, about wearing your name tag when you’re out visiting client sites and whenever you are doing business on behalf of your company. You’ll see. People will open up to you more when they know your name. — Dr. Laura Hills, President, Blue Pencil Institute, www.bluepencilinstitute.com